dude im shwasted, kabul is not the best place for this
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis
I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.
well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.
I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I don't remember much and some girl almost convinced me to jump off the bridge while she held my stuff...
Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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