Betty ford says i'm here all night
"auto-tuned camel" is how i'd describe the noises she made
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover
No worries. On my way home to get ski poles and wipe the sick off my face. Then it's time to get drunk in the park
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Plan: drunk dancing. Reality: drunk almost getting in fights with people that could beat me into the ground.
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Official reason: I couldn't get time off. The real reason: last Xmas nearly ended in alcohol poisoning to prevent me from screaming like a velociraptor
I re-seduced my fuck buddy...must be the luck of the Irish!
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
Randomize
