are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.
that trick or treat candy bucket that we used to collect beer money last night was very helpful when I vomited in it this morning
I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots
You did like 8
Nothing says "I mean business" like using a cart at the liquor store.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
Just saw a rice crispy commercial and got emotional. I need to go home.
I keep picking up boring men who literally just want to cuddle. HOW AM I THIS BAD AT GETTING SEX?
I am available for nakedness
Grandma had me open the boxes that were delivered today. She got a sex swing, I've settled on "You go girl" as my official reaction.
Randomize
