Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
my neighbors are having lesbo sex right now.
I'm on my way.
drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend
I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.
Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.
Every pair of shorts I try on makes me look like some kind of powerful lesbian wizard.
That is like, the point of shorts
i know i shouldn't tell you this since i want you to really like me but i just spent the last 4 hours sleeping on the toilet.
The name of tonight's festivities is hereby decreed to be the "Honey Boo Boo Hootenanny".
Idk I'm sorry it's weird to ask for testimonials on your penis
I don't think you should say "suck my dick" and then proclaim to be a messiah, of any sort.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
PS- My flight is being emergency landed bc someone smuggled cats on the plane.
The stripper was super into me until she pulled out my tits then I realized.... This bitch is just using my ass to get MORE TIPS
Tequilla is a sneaky bitch ninja that doesn't kick in until you least expect it. Then BAM! You're peeing in unconventional places.
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
