I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
Found a beard hair in my crotch.... care to explain?
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
I have bad memories with every alcohol but we manage to work through the problems for the good of the relationship
like i got into his car and the beatles were playing. this kid is def getting his dick sucked
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
what better to celebrate not being pregnant than to eat a bowl full of rum soaked pineapples?
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
She was just trying to do dick voodoo. Pretty standard stuff.
HAVE BEEN SPEAKING IN RUSSIAN ACCENT FOR 5 HOURS
SHIRT GONE
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