I don't call you at 3 in the morning to start a fucking relationship.
We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far
Yeah I'm gunna date him. I figure its regular sex and maybe feelings will come in time...it worked for arranged marriages...
I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
It's almost like a boob-text, but it's not. Because it was live. And you were showing a bunch of people.
i wore just an American flag as my costume-huge success. 20 people pledged allegiance to my ass including a senior frat boy at the keg. God bless America.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
Randomize
