I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.
The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.
That baby is bound to be under-loved.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
you were going around the whole club telling people to smell ur purse
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
the last call horn was blaring when I tried peeling you off the bathroom floor than you uttered "Ill take the toothless one.'
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
I want to go out and have good clean fun.
Ok, but that does not include Bud Light Platinum and your vagina.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
i think i just lost a toe
In the officer's defense, I was indeed pantless at the time he cuffed me, but there's a perfectly good explanation.
I. Love. Skype. Sex.
I think it's just been too long since actual dick has been inside you that you only THINK you love skype sex
Randomize
