if you wake up with plaid pants on your floor in the morning, you made a bad decision.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.
You are literally throwing a tangerine right now. Beer pong is not played this way
Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.
EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.
You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Any recommendations for how to tell your wife about the pics of her 19 yr old sister on a porn site without admitting you were surfing said porn site?
Our sub is singing "i believe i can fly" after yelling at the class this whole time and this is really hella weird
hold on i need to sex proof my eyelashes. thank godd for waterproof mascara
i like coming up with different names when i reference that night. 'the night i got kicked out of the bar', 'the night i escaped from the hospital', 'the night we had that threeway'...
I know you told me I shouldn't go see him...that's why I'm texting you letting you know I made it home safe from his house this morning
Randomize
