So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology
Don't upload the drink o meter to your google calendar. Somehow binge drinking looks even worse with a time stamp.
Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child
You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.
You almost set me on fire last night.
You probably deserved it.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
You are under a naked attack watch for the whole weekend. Shelter in place.
Accidentally typed message to mom that included word "kink." FML. Played it off as autocorrect from "drink" which was somehow more acceptable
I think I must have activated my bat signal.... All three of my FWBs contacted me today!
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
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