but the lizard people decide everything anyway
I was speaking french the whole night. Until i got arrested. Then I decided I should probably start speaking English.
I'm drinking reisling in a paper cup by myself in the garage.
Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.
he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...
how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7
Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
I just added a bunch of arbitrary options to my ouija board. Ghosts can now tell me "cheddar," "the homosexual agenda," "the whole foods vegan aisle," or "viable offspring"
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Randomize