Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"
What's this douchebags name?
Rob...
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
Dude, I had to stop mid fuck. Her cat was swatting at my balls as I did her from behind. I couldve lost something.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
There's cereal in my underwear. Was I in your apartment at any time last night? That's the only logical explanation for this.
OMG MY DAD TOLD ME HE MIGHT DO TINDER
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I woke up at her place in a kids bed hearing Sesame Street. She doesn't have kids!
It's not a hangover, it's "slept on a couch with another person and said person moves a lot and is loud"
He’s perfect! He listens to Genesis during sex and has a VW bus!
You really are from the panhandle, aren’t you?
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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