My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
Stop bringing these fucking whores home with you. If I have to fight over the remote with a bleach blonde idiot wanting to watch the hills reruns one more time I'm pissing in your shampoo.
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.
yea im pretty sure it has something do with my love of forearms...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
We broke into the space center. If i go to jail I wanted to tell you, you have a fantastic dick. Use it wisely.
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.
you passed out while setting up your phones timer to time how long it would take before you to passed out.
Last night I got drunk on margaritas at an Irish pub and came home with only one shoe. I have to get my shit together.
You really know how to show Monday who's boss.
My life is literally "I'm too horny you can't leave" or "let's have pie" there's like no inbetween
He just felt my tits to find out which piercing I lost.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
Randomize
