I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home
r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?
I wish the iPhone would register texts from 11:59 as "Last Year" instead of "Yesterday."
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
my phone went off during the middle of it and he ask what i was doing. he wouldn't let my reply with "your boss". ..
At the bar, some guy bumped into you and you screamed "hey, don't touch what you can't afford sunshine!"
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Nope. Turns put my desperate group message for sex didn't work out.
Well you sent it to two guys who were roommates.
They could have rock paper scissored for it. My vagina = the prize.
So changing channels while she's on top is frowned upon. It's back to thinking about baseball again.
Your vagina is like Nancy Drew lately.
You can't just drop that I might be walking into a foursome and leave it at that
There is a woman in the stall next to me giving a pep talk to her daughter that wants to call off her wedding. I'm afraid to pee!
Randomize
