Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
Michelle found a bong in the garbage and sold it to my mom
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
Wait, how do girls masturbate?
I dunno we use shower heads I guess.
..how does it fit?
i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.
She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face
I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
I'm really stoned in my underwear. I probably won't make it to the bar.
Do you understand how hard it is to go down on a guy underwater? Didn't think so....
You left me alone with nothing but donuts and my thoughts.
Chili is not acceptable fuck buddy food.
Parade of Dicks...that's what I'm calling 2017
Randomize
