i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"
She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.
I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.
Its like no one cares im drunk naked wet and ready to throw myself at some one hold on i found a solution to my problems
I love pie. Pie understands me and the spatula
I felt like in order for him to make it to mordor and destroy the ring, he'd have to make sweet sweet love to me in some form of hut or cave.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
Is it possible to be drunk burnt? Like sun burnt but from drinking? Cus I think I that's what it feels like
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
She wouldn't eat a clam- if you blow a line pregnant you can eat a clam
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
i may or may not have bought a plane ticket for a russian cam girl to fly here. also, can you spot me $300 on rent?
There's wine in the fridge here. You could leave school and we could get day drunk.
That's my favorite drunk.
Randomize
