you are the weird ass hat to my lady gaga
Just got to costco. Where are you?
Liquor aisle, bring another cart.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.
Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.
i have a queen bed, a cherrywood bed frame, and gold sheets. how are you saying no to me right now?
Hey I know you're not home, but I'm here. Your front door is unlocked and someone took shit on your doormat...
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
Oh I'm definitely going to hit on her, there's no question about that. What I meant by playing it cool is I'm not going to mount her on sight.
he went to the bathroom at 5am only to come back and squeeze my boob before going back to sleep
Should I be flattered that she mumbled "You're the king of my face" before passing out?
And today, on Faces I'd Like to Sit On .... The starting line up of the German National Football team
My roommate wasn't home and I was too drunk and tired so I peed in the trash can. Twice.
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
I should have known when she mixed malibu and V8. It smelled just like tanning oil and when she drank it she said "Oh well, not the first time."
Randomize
