Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that
i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.
I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.
Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.
We went from zero to drunk tank in 45 minutes.
jen just told me ur idea of revenge was saluting while letting his bong float away while attached to some balloons.
Like we just had a bunch of sex and then he threaded my eyebrows in bed lol. It was amazing
I called 911 when they kicked me out of the bar last night.
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
got the runs at the club last night. wondering when it'll be safe to show my face again.
Randomize
