you were sitting on my toliet with a double cheesburger in your hand asking me how the cheeseburger even got there.
So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
To be honest i'm almost glad he got arrested. His girlfriend and i kept making out so i'm pretty sure the alternative was a threesome. Now we're just the trashy girls who visit him in jail.
CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED
Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
PENIS EMOJIS WOULD MAKE MY LIFE SO MUCH EASIER GAH WHY DOES THE WORLD HATE ME
Are you trying to say I've made an emotionally well rounded transformation similar to the Grinch?
Those nachos came to me in a dream
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
I dont even know what happened i just remember waking up with beer cans outlining my body...
It’s like my vagina just knows when a man is a barrel-chested freedom fighter.
All I'm saying is there better be a bow on your dick for my birthday
It's not christmas until we're acting sober in front of grandma
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