I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?
We put your drunk ass to bed. 10 minutes later we heard you scream "DICK-PUNCH!!!" It was immediately followed by a shriek of pain and crying. So to answer your question; no, that's not "sex soreness".
Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles
How do you keep ending up in these situations?
My dad is their accountant
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
She was cute in her own little way. Shit, free taco's makes anyone hot.
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
You make me want to do things that I'm pretty sure are illegal.
is it still the walk of shame if his dad gave me a 'thanks for sleeping with my son' head nod on my way out this morning?
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
Randomize
