we went back to her place to bone only to find her boyfriend having sex.. with MY girlfriend
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making
You were Q-tipping mashed potatoes out of your ear.
thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
A zombie called me motorboat central while participating in an auction to motorboat my tits. he then proceeded to propose, insisting that he makes alot money.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I just watched in amazement as you had a full conversation about water temperature and bacteria with your pet goldfish.
Come on there are only so many drink coaster sizes nipples in the world
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
He snapchatted me the wine on the ceiling this morning
there is something very satisfying about getting tacos after hours of sex.
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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