her nose should be used as a dorsal fin
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I want to say that being forced to stare at the 'no.1 boyfriend' collage behind his head ruined the sex but it just didn't.
Well... this vagina won't eat itself
I just puked in my non fat yogurt... But it's non fat in hopes that someone wants to eat my vagina
Ohhh. Its been awhile. Vending machine hotel condoms are $15 here who can afford to not get herpes?
You told me my blanket felt like ground beef.
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
You thanked your mom for the gymnastic lessons so you could do a keg stand
I just had a sex dream about orange juice, so there's that.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
Someone messaged me on POF and wished me a Happy International Women's Day. Why do I even bother anymore?
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
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