Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it
you can't exactly throw up or pass out at the pentagon so i had to pull my shit together
just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing
Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!
Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?
Yeah, that was you
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
Literally had to stick my hands in my pants and hold my butt cheeks together while driving
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm starting to think that Cosmic Steve ripped me off
He literally had a Trump sign in his front yard. I just can't now.
I tried to cut you?! I'm sorry! PS where's my hair?
we've talked on the toilet we're linked now
Oh man. I threw up in the first cab. Got kicked out. Roamed somewhere for awhile. Fell asleep in the back if the second cab. Woke up in my underwear on the living room floor with a frozen pizza (thawed) laying next to me
Randomize
