Conclusion from last night: Sometimes being classy isn't as fun as making out with a guy on a pooltable in a bar. Happy birthday, Canada.
His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
Its what happens when I drink whiskey in a sweater. It makes me feel mature and ponderful.
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, you stalking his LINKEDIN profile will NOT affect your chances with him. We aren't 40...
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
Every time I start to trust vodka, it does this to me.
THAT'S NOT NICE
NEITHER WAS PROMISING NOT TO TAKE MY SISTER'S VIRGINITY, THEN PROMPTLY DOING SO
i pushed adam in a shopping cart for 15 blocks, then we realized we left tyler downtown
did you go back and get him?
nah we went to a karaoke bar instead, so worth it
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