Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy
You should swallow it and be like the ticking crocodile. Only you play Still of the Night.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.
My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.
he has this weird thing where he watches me pee
Yeah. It's just like I have his virginity and he has my shoes and where do we go from here.
NEW HOUSE RULE! If you make it in a chicks cleavage it's 3 cups and bra off.
BP at your house from now on.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
Life hack: hotbox while in the car wash. It'll change your life.
I was really proud of me too last night! Found a discarded hamburger that I have no memory of at the foot of the bed. Instead of a Dude. I'm really growing as a person
If I had your ass I would rule the world
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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