the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight
i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
Turned on my GPS and all that it said in the search bar was "beer,"
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
last night i reached the point where my boob implants paid for themselves in free drinks. to celebrate lets go out and get more free drinks tonite.
yea but i missed the pot and poured the boiling water on my dick. shit hurts. aint nothin easy about that mac
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
Teach me the ways of your demonic sorcery.
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
How do you tell a vegan you want him to stuff you like a turkey?
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Yes I went home with her last night. I woke up this morning and ran into my boss on the way to the bathroom. Monday is going to suck at work.
Randomize
