She's the rare girl who loses weight and gets uglier.
His penis is small and he doesnt like Harry Potter. HE HAS NO REDEEMING QUALITIES WHAT AM I EVEN DOING HERE
I puked walking onto the plane. How do you think my post-Birthday hangover went?
We don't watch enough power rangers
He asked me how france is treating me
Tell him you got so much dick you may never come back to the US. That ought to keep him away
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
He got too drunk... he threw up ON the closed toilet.
It's a Jersey thing
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
We are actually the same person except with opposite genitalia, which are both incredible.
How many Wendy's frosties do you think it would take to fill a bathtub?
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
To celebrate the holidays this evening, I will be replying “FUCK YOU” to all my spam emails. Can’t tell you how excited I am
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
Randomize
