Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
I can't go out tonight I need to save my money for important things.....like rogaine and ecstasy.
his penis is like a homeless cat. ever since I've satisfied him he keeps showing up on my doorstep ask for more.
then I woke up and felt a boner that wasn't even mine. never taking 3am vodka again
She was about to go down when you guys iced me. Thanks bro
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
I woke up smelling like chlorine with a broke toe. They know how to fucking party on lake lanier.
I feel like I got ass raped in the brain.
I'm more of a 'talk at me while I stare at you' kinda girl.
I just woke up ass naked on top of all my sheets, with no blinds in my room because i used them as togas, my back is killing me, im covered in sharpie, i have no memory of last night, and im pretty sure im still drunk. I consider the night a success
You asked for 4 things: your phone, your wallet, your keys and your denture. I stopped asking questions.
at this point, i'm only going to therapy to get more free condoms
Kyle passed out in the tub after breaking a glass and shouting, "WHAT ASSHOLE GAVE ME A GLASS?" His girlfriend gave it to him...
After we fucked we sat in bed and watched Charlie St. Cloud and he fed me ice cream. It was probably the most romantic thing I've ever done.
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