I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home
You're like the curious george of whores
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.
Passed out mid cig in bed last night. Thank you cough for allowing me legal prescription hydrocodone.
And apparently I was the one that started the drunken make out session that broke the window
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
HEY JUST FOUND A SHIT TON OF MONEY IN THE PURSE HE SENT BRB GONNA GO BUY ME SOME MALE STRIPPERS AND BATHE IN THESE TWENTY DOLLAR BILLS
Aaaaaaaand dick pic. God bless america, and god bless tinder.
He caught a cramp during sex and I was like "do you want me to get you a banana?" And he responded with "I'll give you a banana" and kept going. I'm marrying him.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
you found yr lighter in yr cleavage and said so that's where you've been all my life
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