this guy literally just gave me a gold star sticker for the "stellar" blow job i gave him. ashamed? i think not.
I'm reading about reasons for wearing clothing. IS THIS COLLEGE OR PRESCHOOL?
It was honestly like finding a clitoris in a haystack.
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
Home safe. Took me everything not to stop and pick up some random cat that looked like an ocelot tho.
Please tell me how I go from a guy with a coke problem to a cop. My own life doesn't even make sense to me anymore
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
Will i get arrested If i steal the salvatiion arny guys bell for ringing it to close to my hangover
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
I was supposed to go on a date tonight but I cancelled because I found out the Lizzie McGuire movie is on Netflix.
Listening to sad Lana Del Rey songs together is an integral part of the lesbian bonding process
You can say goodbye to our security deposit.
Already? What he do?
Opened a bag of topsoil at the party and spread it all over the living room. TOPSOIL!
You really do take on your dog's personality she sounded like her pug breathing when we were going at it.
I'm a peeled potato compared to her. I'm a peeled potato compared to anyone. I'm a peeled potato.
Are you high?
Randomize
