Nob stitches i do do not bleed anymorr!
she looks like stephen colbert with that blond wig he was wearing last night.
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
Like it was the Mama Mia of shit shows. That bad.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
He called us the '3 Amigos' and told us if hos ex wife came we had to jump the porch railing and hide in the bushes.
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
I survive off of bourbon and the tears of others only
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
That went from 0 to lesbian orgy much faster than expected...
There should be a guide book that probation officers hand out on "how to tell a tinder girl about your ankle monitor before she notices it at the worst possible moment"
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