It smells like weed.
We are in Boulder, Everything smells like weed.
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?
I was cleaning out my bag and I found some xanax wrapped in plastic with a note that said "use in case of emergency"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
She's the perfect storm when it comes to psycho stalkers
yep. it's official. for $40 they will let you lick the stripper pole.
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
You are. Embrace it. But you are the right kind of asshole.
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
Dude... the time we have in life to be young and trivial is so incredibly short. I think we should drink tonight.
THERE IS JIZZ ON MY CEILING. HOW THE FUCK IS THERE JIZZ ON MY CEILING
Randomize