i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
what, no i told him that it wasnt nessesary to put all 5 fingers in my vagina
you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.
I can't be here...my therapist just watched me take tequila shots
I'm not entirely sure how getting 'house drunk' turned into us getting trashed, being serenaded by karaoke and going out. But it needs to happen again.
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
When you wear a dress that resembles the shape and color of Kirby to a wedding, you get the attention you deserve.
Autocorrect changes "sex" to "sec". I have been so long without it my phone thinks I made a mistake.
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