I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?
I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high
she just threw a smoke bomb in an elevator and ran down 9 flights of stairs to see it at the bottom.
fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention
My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
he proceeded to grab my vagina through my leggings in the middle of the dance floor. strangely enough I was okay with it
It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.
If we see one freshman that cummed on me, we are leaving.
I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Now, one of you come feed me, the other read me my physics book...I'm too hungover for this shit...
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Randomize
