she started talking about my kids
was she topless?
There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.
no, i'm not a lesbian.. i just really want to fuck you while drinking, thats normal in a friendship.
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.
It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.
All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever
1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.
*roof
I feel like a color. Like a wavy color
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Serio, who the fuck falls down coming offstage wearing nothing but pasties, a g-string, and a fake moustache, and now suddenly needs a tetanus shot. Me. That's who.
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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