Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you
My poor mother should have just stuffed me back up her vagina when she had the chance.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
And then he came out of the bathroom in a kimono
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.
i looked up and she was looking over the stall watching me pee and told me to unlock the door. that dedicated to sucking my dick.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?
Love you too. There are very few people I let pee in my dishwasher.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
Apparently she "missed me" and the only logical solution was to fuck my brother.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
I'm drunk still and I cried and now I'm watching Whitney Houston singing the national anthem and I'm crying more
Randomize
