I need to find out who his wife is so I can fuck her before he gets to mine.
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it
fair is fair
so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.
Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
Dude. When are you coming home? I'm laying in bed watching the Grinch and trying to pet a cat that I'm not even sure exists.
Seriously your house is like the underground railroad for unwanted gay kids
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Randomize
