i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
How do you get eyebrow wax out of your butthole region?
The fact that you aren't ashamed to ask that is the reason I will give you the answer. Under the sink there is a bottle of wax remover. Throw my waxing kit away as well.
I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me
Do you think the neighbors will know I was the one giving out the penis shaped lollipops to the children?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
i had an epiphany while laying on the driveway for 5 hours yesterday.
i realized i waste a lot of time
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
On the flip side Weston asked if he could move me to Wisconsin to be his "moto hoe" which is actually a thing apparently
My roomate had an hour long melt down about her life choices not realizing I was in the middle of having sex... So yea it went pretty horribly.
My dad found my bra hanging from my rear view mirror. Happy long weekend.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
