does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
i think i'm in class. and blacked out.
but his dog just died...ill send him an edible arrangement or a 6 pack or something
he's afraid if he sleeps with me i'll go all lavender brown on him
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.
Look if you're not going to be mine and take care of my needs, I'm going to fuck your sisters.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
idk but i can hear her singing "Call Me Maybe" really slowly and emotionally in the shower right now
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Worse than that. I caught my roommate jerking off to a topless stripper in gta 5.
I never realized the effects a broken spine would have on my sex life
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
I JUST PETTED A FUCKING SQUIRREL. A SQUIRREL.
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