what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after
We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight
That was an excessively violent trivia night
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
College has done two things for me. Given me the confidence to blow my nose in public and shit in public
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
If he has a beard, chances are, that’s an open invitation to sit on his face
Randomize
