2:45a: Any chance you got 3000 bucks on you?
his penis is PERFECT
I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm
or knit it little hat
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."
In case you were wondering, my scare crow is wearing your outfit from last night.
He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?
Pitchers of shots should be outlawed. I've puked more than i've breathed in the past half hour.
I've come to the conclusion while folding laundry and watching porn that I may be dead inside.
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
She complimented my boobs and then told me I smelled like teddy bears before falling asleep on the floor.
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
I cannot handle Xanax... I just turned my computer on and I googled how to work YouTube
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
