just caught grandpa beating off in the living room
It's like a parade of train wrecks.
Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue
it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
I'm sitting at my kitchen table alone dressed as a dinosaur smoking bowls in the dark. Is this rock bottom? Or is this living the dream? Who's to say
I mean I've only met the girl once and she was trying to slit some guys tires.
this bedazzled flask is my best investment yet
I sharted in court today and had to sit on it for about three and a half hours.
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