Her dad smelled like someone lit a fart and burned their ass hairs.
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
I just saw a girl in Albersons in spandex and curlers buying PBR. Only PBR.
God gave me these boobs for a reason other than for people to throw things down them.
Nothing like a little anal leakage to start off Sunday morning. Can't decide if that speaks well of my weekend or not...
We drank a $4 handle of tequila until 5 am. Please think about that.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.
That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I'd say I was is in rare form last night but it's becoming pretty common.
Just so you know, you called at 2 last night and kept making me tell you that I loved you and then when you got home you thanked me for walking you home. Incase you forgot, I'm still about 200 miles away.
Come on in and take your pants off
Randomize
