I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
I just spiked the applesauce. Try to tell me again your party is better.
We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
My boyfriend correctly calculated the time I would be out of alcohol and showed up about four minutes after I'd run out with two bottles of wine. I think this is love.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
My cab driver has a hooker in the front seat. Really, this is serious. And weird.
Well going home with a Ralph Lauren model helped me get over him real fuckin' quick. Would recommend it for all women going through breakups
Because guys aren't supposed to cry. Especially when it's over a dude singing a Christmas carol.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
being single and having a boyfriend 300 miles away is eerily similar. never skipped a beat eating hot wings in my bed with no pants or masturbating every day.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
She ordered an O'douls. That was the end of that date
Stop confusing me with every girl you know that doesn't like sex.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
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