He asked me to sit on his face, but i didnt, for 2 reasons, one, i had just pooped like 20 mins before sex, and two, this could be my future husband. so i skipped on sitting.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family
My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either
Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
He said the first movie he ever jerked off to was Titanic because he knew "they were totally doing it in that car."
We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us
I feel like emojis are just meant for explaining sex without using words to make anyone uncomfortable. It's a true gift
We just banged and he's microwaving shrimp noodles and I'm eating tostitos alone in the dark this is why our relationship works
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
