My parking ticket this morning was 30bucks. I feel like I'm paying the city to fuck you.
I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.
I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you
We're all getting matching jack daniels tattoos. We're gonna be an alcoholic gang of awesome.
The cab driver was nice enough to let you finish your beer in the car, but you crossed the line when you started to pee in the empty bottle
Fastest way to get judgmental looks on a Sunday morning: wear sunglasses inside carrying a case of beer and thin mints at the grocery store. May or may not have ran into the glass door.
Gotta love Minnesota
Your anal douche was on bathroom counter. Now it's in dumpster. Not ok. I am mad. Very mad.
Do me a favor and don't mention him I feel like Regina George and I just want to scream I made him
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
I'm sorry I threw a frog in your car last night.
The best part about theater chicks is nothing is too cliche or out of line. I just fucked her Braveheart style in my entry way while saying goodbye.
listen. i haven't sucked a dick in well over three years but i believe in myself.
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