In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
so i woke up this morning thinking _____ was in bed with me. . .but it was only a half eaten sonic burger
Apparently he's never heard a queef, he totally thought I farted and got freaked out.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Does adding vodka to a protein shake defeat the purpose?
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
If you want me to retract my crazy cat lady comments pictures of yourself dressed as a cat are not the way to do it.
Just tapped my penis on the head and said "this will be your year buddy."
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
He has a beach house and a Simba tattoo. Our wedding is next Tuesday, hope you're free.
From what I remember I had fun, until I threw up, and lost my shoes..
Whiskey. Because sometimes it's fun to have your hands go numb.
he drove over two hours to fuck me and came in 3 minutes. he got mad when I asked him if it was worth it...
Randomize
