I'm sorry my penis didn't work
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
We need to either drink and not go to waffle house or go to waffle house and not drink. I need to know which is causing these shits.
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
Sorry for feeding you peanuts last night while you were sleeping, you looked hungry.
The great thing about vietnam is that if I'm drunk during the day people just think I'm being white
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?
Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.
When have we listened to the rational side of either of us?!
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
Don't forget to make sex 3rd on your calander
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
