There was a ginger baby in the car next to me. I almost totaled my car into the center divide.
I tried to assassinate the ginger baby
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
She acts like you when your on meds
She acts like batman?
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
maybe we can find two twins tonight and bang them together and then my life is complete
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
Cassie is wearing a baseball cap. This rebound is going nowhere
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
Blowing lines in the bathroom and trying to get into the mindset of someone who wants to be at work for 12 hours
If all that ever happens between us is orgasms and dank memes, I think I'd be okay with that.
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
Do you remember me asking for jerk off videos from Tinder guy?
Nah I don't remember that being part of the criteria
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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