so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend
Yeah but those French chicks did get naked
wearing the bible to the ABC party, thought you'd appreciate that.
It was just...long. I started around 2. And I think i went to bed around 2. So 12 straight hours? I remember a milkshake and frozen grapes.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
you walked around drinking beer out of a plunger and telling people it was a goblet...
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
Don't take advice from me. I'm simultaneously shitting and eating cheesecake.
Omg no hes gotta go down on me. Then itll be like my vagina has kissed the stanley cup.
He threatened my life and my car because I called you. Are you sure you never slept with him ?
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If he ever pulls my hair again, I'm going to conveniently have lock jaw. Then he can decide whether pain during sex is still fucking appealing.
Randomize
