so im kinda of nervous about the whole bust inside event last night
It's official, my little sister has hooked up with more girls than I have.
okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
OMG HIS EYES ARE POOLS OF SEX. HOT SEX.
While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
We don't have any ice, so I'm using the frozen cognac to reduce the swelling on Abby's toe.
Yeah, you gave me a condom that I 100% coulda used, then an hour later you basically beat the shit out of me and physically took it from my pocket.
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.
Saying I've had more balls in my mouth than you is the last clear, coherent thing I remember.
I think the best course of action at this point is to cut his balls off to get him to stop reproducing
I woke up to Dragon Ball Z playing in Portuguese and a donut shish-kebab~ed on a dick in my face.
Randomize
