So I went outside my house this morning and basically my entire front lawn is covered in gummi bears... I think that involves you guys.
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.
They turned the water off again. Brushed my teeth with whats left from those pitchers of mojitos. So hung over i dont even care.
To drunk to make oatmeal. I'm pouring it into my mouth and gargling it with beer. Ive made maple brown sugar bud light
I told my mom I'm great in bed. That is quality mother daughter bonding.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
Calm down I'm not kidnapping the bartender
sometimes you just gotta rip off the nipple tape and get it done.
You pee in parking lots....i drive home naked.....thats the american dream i was promised
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
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