i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
she's using the space heater to try to heat up a pop-tart...
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?
i just honestly didn't believe you when you said your brother was a fucking clown. ho shit you weren't kidding.
We were at dinner and dad asked me to pass the salt and I suddenly remembered doing body shots when I was blacked out last weekend.
He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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