thats the last time i clean cum out of my retainer.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
Just so you know I would totally fuck you. Does that count as a feeling?
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
dude, you declined head because you wanted to tell her about how you put cinnamon in your weed. also, we're low on Chef Boyardee
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
tell your brother to quit sending me his dick pics what am i going to do with them print them out and shove them up my ass???
I AM GETTING LAID TONIGHT YES HAPPY DAY PRAISE JESUS ALMIGHTY IN HEAVEN DEAR GOD CHRIST YES DADDY YAAASSS
It's not my fault you decided to fall in love with a Frodo Baggins lookalike
They offered me pot brownies in 7 minutes flat. Imagine my horror when I had to be like, are those gluten free?
Do not ever look at a picture of an erect ostrich penis. You will regret it.
After we won that round of beer pong you attempted to swallow the winning ball whole claiming you had the mouth and jaw of a snake.
A snake? I must've been gone...
After that you got naked and hissed at people the rest of the night..
I mean, he’s listed as “Andrew DC Threesome” in my phone. THATS HOW I REMEMBER HIM! How is that not the start of a fairytale?
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