why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?
I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
Girls should come with a carfax report
There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.
i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
she kept asking for a lobster dinner while she was crying. it was actually the most reasonable drunk chick request i've ever heard.
some girl at the bar told me my beard would tickle every inch of her body till she joy puked her face off.... that was so random and odd i just had to buy her a drink for having the guts to say it to me. WTF
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Is it too far to say to someone "you're useless for everything besides sex"
Randomize
