well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?
we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.
Hey remember that thing i said about never apologizing for being a hot mess? Well that was before you found me drunk in the hallway with no pants.
Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.
You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
We can do this. We've been drunk at a gay bar, we will not be taken down by a Tuesday.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
IF THE GUY WHO I AM BORROWING OUR CAR FROM FINDS ONE CONDOM OR JIZZ STAIN IN THIS CAR HE IS GOING TO CASTRATE MY ASS. SERIOUSLY, DON'T FUCK IN THE CAR.
How did I pull off convincing everyone that my name is Dad? Maybe they were just distracted by my boobs.
I woke up with the gnarliest cold/hangover combo
Thats what u get when u have butt ass naked rooftop sex at night in december
Worth it.
Orgasms and cereal.... that's what life's about.
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
In a meeting I sneezed and my tooth hit the floor. I don't think anyone noticed. I would still like to die now.
Randomize
