ive had 594 apples! thats 99 apples 6 times! math!
I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?
I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.
Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
The next time you try to drunkenly strip me in public let's make sure it's not anywhere near the daiquiri factory or a group of police officers.
I desperately wanted to wear your shirt.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
You get home okay?
I'm pantless and in bed
That doesn't mean you're at home.
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Someone explain to me why I woke up to find a stolen shopping cart in my room...
YOU WAXED MY CAT YOU SICK FUCK
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