I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
In 30 minutes I will have been sober for an entire month. Time for a celebratory lap of cheap alcohol that leads to early liver failure.
But happy liver failure. That's what counts.
She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet
Might as well permanently tattoo lush somewhere on my body and show it to people when I decide to drink so they won't serve me.
Yep. I'm going to buy a sex toy and a LARP prop on the same trip. Welcome to my life.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
The fact that we all screamed by Felicia to a bitch actually named Felicia will be a highlight of my life
I see your boobs were ready to greet the new year.
I'm in my onesie attempting to spoon-feed myself cold soup. I'm playing freeze tag with my hangover. My hangover's winning.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
My New Years resolution is to not hook up with random guys.
Mine is to not hook up with anyone who has a kid.
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
Randomize