I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.
Thank God I did Vegas bombs with those cops at their Christmas party. We should so be in jail.
Woke up in my own bed with a "New Years Eve 2011" bar bracelet on. Both of these things confuse me.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
Just tried to dig out holes in my mattress for my boobs so I could be comfortable lying down on my stomach
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
Holy sore nipples Batman
We're listening to drake in the middle of the woods and smoking two joints at once...my life is complete.
As your friend, who loves and cares for you, I have to be honest. I am judging you so VERY hard right now. Sorry.
It's not even a normal fucking affair I've found myself in. It's a fucking bdsm clusterfuck.
Randomize