I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
...and that is the first time I've ever wished fewer naked women on someone I like.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
Somehow my life has turned in to drug deals at the bar, and illegally camping on a mountain because I have no where else to live.
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