Dude.. I don’t care how hairy she is, you already left me at the bar, and now I have to find another fucking way home... NOW BE A MAN ABOUT IT!
My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night
He has until sunday, then my legs are officially closed to him
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
Saying you need a hooker then asking me to have sex is NOT the way to get laid. Booty call 101.
This is the Santa Claus of hangovers. It just keeps giving.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
Nice. Make him jerk off and tape it. Send it to his woman. I also love that you had another skype date
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
Randomize
