The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.
I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.
in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.
he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!
The last text I sent him was about nachos. Frankly, if he can't respond positively to that he can fuck off...
I had a sex dream. With two guys. And my subconscious decided to put your dick on BOTH OF THEM. If there is a society where that does not mean "I cherish you" I do not want to live there.
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
How did you not realize the handbrakes were stuck?
I thought I was just out of shape.
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
If they start to date again I refuse to help her sext him. Helping my mom sext my dad is where I draw the line.
You were yelling at them from the passenger seat saying you wanted your chicken for free because they couldn't prove it was from kentucky
Nothing wrong with a little cat scratch fever. You have toys?
A few, plus a dildo molded from a porn star that I've always been too intimidated of to actually use, but it's the apocalypse, and momma didn't raise no quitter.
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