i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
He doesn't care. He wouldn't care if my vag grew arms and smacked him in the face.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Did you leave it the depths of Magic Mike's favorite banana hammock?
Walking into my bedroom & smelling stale sex & disappointment isn't how I envisioned being 39, in case you were wondering.
And by "I love him" I mean "I want his tongue down my throat.
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
Randomize
