Just found my girlfriend's stash of animated Japanese porn
And to think, I actually considered breaking up with her
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
so i was just informed that i sang that song "pop that pussy ayyy pop that pussy" at the halloween party saturday. iembarrassing.
Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.
She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.
you cant just puke in an arbys and not order food. thatd be rude.
Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic
If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I'm like a savant for remembering names I learned while I was drunk. Seriously, I'm three for three. I'm on a roll.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
Be my booze princess bebe. I'll rescue you from the lame tidings you are confined to up in the sober castle.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
I'm trying to get weird tonight. Like I want to see bitches crawling on all fours drinking milk from bowls and shit by 5 am. You down?
I swear I get as excited about the sound of a condom wrapper as my cat gets when she's getting a can of food.
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