Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
i bet if teenage jesus was here he would do a shot with me
you called me at 4 in the morning to tell me that your toaster burnt your english muffin, and that you "fuckin hated that thing."
she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
She is watching her grandpa for the day and the dude just whipped it out and started jerking off while watching the View.
It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.
i feel like spreading the word of drunken joy.
It is a bad day indeed when you learn that your boy toy looks better in your dresses than you do
I was so high I watched a 5 minute video of different scenes of horses running. The music was magical.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
You either got a dog, or you have a boy over. I can't tell from the noises which it is.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
