WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
ugh. my friday night is playin' Farmville on my face. time to harvest the blackheads...
On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.
THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
I just told a bottle to be chill
and meant it
They're either celebrating their tax money or trying to kill each other.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
The bar tender had his entire hand down your asscrack.
I forgot about that. I was in MULTIPLE dimensions.
I just woke up in his bed.. in a cardboard castle, with a Justin Bieber poster on the ceiling staring down at me, cuddling with 4 empty PBR cans. I win.
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Remember when I was real fucked up and said I would give up utensils and only use chopsticks for lent?...just got the reminder on my phone.
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
