I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He asked for a foot job. Whatever. I guess I'm swimming in new slut waters tonight.
i could have been the DD. this is ridiculous. i'm the most sober and getting the least ass.
I don't know if it is the Everclear or chemistry, but i think my brain is coming out of my ears.
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Going on a first date tonight...pros: my boobs look amazing. Cons: my abortion isn't until next week.
There is blood all over my sheets and no discernible source.
Theres about 23 grilled cheese sandwiches stuck to my ceiling and tomato soup all over the kitchen. You are never allowed over again. Ever.
I'm one bad relationship away from owning seven cats.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
