Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
you lied vaginas dont taste like gold fish!
noo i said youre golden if her vagina tastes like fish!
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...
She's licking the seat belt now. Feeling a little uncomfortable
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...
Oh trust me, i am. It's like magic, but instead of rabbits and doves its orgasms- He just keeps pulling them out of nowhere.
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
My only positive piece of news is that my roommate is moving home for the summer, so our stress-relief sex will be much easier to get away with.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
holy fucking shit get me out of here. even the babies are wearing beanies
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
I just found a ladybug shell in my underwear. What was I doing last night?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
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