i've been called drunk 4 times today and it's only 3pm
he wont speak to me right now because i told him it must suck knowing he'll never be as good as edward cullen..idiot.
he asked me to put his condom on because he couldn't see without his glasses
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again
fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.
I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.
I woke up at 5:47 in the morning to you peeing on my parents bedroom floor. I think we've established that you have a limit .
there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants
There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it
Random question: Have you ever woken up and were suprised to not have a penis?
About 98% sure I just walked by some dude jerking it in the library. I'm guessing his college experience isn't going as planned
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
I hate when pubes grow back. My mons is a warzone.
Randomize
