Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices
Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?
Adult decisions.
Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Who the fuck did i sell my right shoe to last night i need to get that back im not walking with one shoe on
This american gymnastics guy.... He just messed up. I feel so bad. I just wanna hug him until he stops crying. Not even in a sexual way. I just wanna hug him.
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
to have them in my mouth would be like meeting a unicorn while floating on a cloud of glitter
The last thing I remember is crying and shaking my head as she was putting salt on my hand. I guess I took the shot
I asked him to explain what he meant by "hooking up" in paragraph form
Can someone please remind me later tonight that there's a taco in my purse. I may get drunk and forget I put it there
You just want me for my pizza coupons and my penis.
You yelled at me about a fork.
You probably deserved it, I'm very territorial about my cutlery.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
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