Any day that starts with a call from my ex-bf... crying... is a good day.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
And then i had a penis in each hand. It was magical.
I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
I don't understand how these people can do extreme gymnastics and I have problems walking up the stairs.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
He told her Jesus wouldnt yell curse or degrade her. He'd just simply shake his head and slap the shit out of her
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
You are cordially invited to the annual finals week stress relief drinking binge at our manor this evening
Why would you get kicked out?
Well, an overweight man is currently not wearing a shirt. Or pants. And is getting in touch with his inner Chippendale. You can probably fill in the blanks.
i’m blowing bubbles in my bloody mary so yeah it’s pretty much time to go
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
I'm too picky for internet dating and by picky I mean psycho.
Randomize
