It is pretty awful out and I still haven't put on pants yet.
Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?
He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.
Marry him
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.
i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?
I'm going to get like 25 drinks at their wedding and just leave them sitting around or give them to hobos.
You've fucked so many I should get a word bank when you make me guess these things.
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
then this guy just runs in screaming, "cant you see my daughter pissed herself???!!!" and that was the start of my 2016.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
I have an empty apartment, Chinese food, and fresh batteries in my vibrator. There's nothing on this earth that could lure me out tonight.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
Nice people suck dick too. I'm proof.
Randomize
