she left her pants. im pretty sure she grabbed mine on accident. im like 9 man sizes bigger than her. wtf
He belongs with you like a mcdonalds playground belongs in Chernobyl
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
you convinced me to pee myself because I was wearing dark jeans.
What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.
I went down on her for 35 minutes and didn't even get a handy. I've never felt more desire to be gay in my life.
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
If our sexual relationship was relative to the Harry Potter series, I would have claimed the Wizard's Cup at least ten times.
I want to fuck the side burns off of Steve.
He lit a candle for the mood and ended up lighting my hair on fire while we were hooking up...moodkiller
My mom just said "okay girls, the ONLY thing i ask is that you stay sober Saturday afternoon, until halfway through lunch. And you don't wear that crystal camo hat. This is a funeral, not a tailgate party"
Best wishes.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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